We talk to the writer of a book about how the offspring of prominent families carve out their own pathways to success and manage inheritance and parents' expectations successfully.

Family office consultant and regular Family Wealth Report commentator Joe Reilly talks to Jamie Weiner, author of The Quest for Legitimacy – How Children of Prominent Families Discover Their Unique Place in the World. 

Joe Reilly: The new book is called The Quest for Legitimacy. What is the quest for legitimacy?  
Jamie Weiner:  The quest for legitimacy was based on a qualitative research study. We interviewed 24 rising generation family members from around the globe twice, once before Covid and once after Covid. The question we asked was: "What is it like growing up in the land of giants?" And nobody turned to us and said: "Giants, what are you talking about?" They immediately understood; hey knew who the "giants" were in their lives. One woman said: â€śI have many giants in my life. And when I think about it, it's all about achievements.” And what she was really referring to was the realization that she grew up in a world where achievements were pretty high. 

At this point, the third and fourth generation of extremely high achievers in a company that started in a basement, had become international. What we discovered as part of the research was that there was a path and a quest that had four phases, starting with awareness. Awareness is when people notice there's something different about their life.

One woman grew up in a family that was a giant diamond trading family, and she learned how to count by counting diamonds that her father brought home. When she went to school, nobody else had learned to count by counting diamonds. 

What exactly is the land of the giants? Is that something that you're always going to live in, or is it something you must leave and come back to? How does that work in the mind of the rising generation? 
The land of the giants is a world that somebody's born into, although we did interview some people whose parent had become a giant during their lifetime. 

We interviewed Henry Kaiser whose grandfather, Henry J Kaiser, built Kaiser industries, and created one of the wealthiest families in the world. He helped build the Hoover dam and was a significant figure, probably at the level of Henry Ford. His father subsequently took over the business that his grandfather had built. And Henry Kaiser, the grandson, lived his life feeling that everybody was giving him the message that he should prepare for something because of this giant. 

When Henry was about to get married, he found out that his grandfather wouldn't come to the wedding because he was too ill. So, Henry went to see him at the Kaiser Hospital, hoping that his grandfather would give him his blessing to have a role in Kaiser industries. As with many families, the conversation never evolved. 

And he left unsure of where he would fit into that world. He also realized that he didn't really know his grandfather who had been his hero, and his grandfather didn't know him. Henry was sad that this never happened because his grandfather had created such a powerful image for him. 

What was his journey like after that?
He had an interesting journey. He went off to the Navy for a while and did eventually find a role within Kaiser industries. At first, his father didn't want him to be there, but then invited him in. However, in that family the wealth never made it to the third generation. 

It's an interesting account of how quickly wealth can disappear. What did remain of Kaiser industries was Kaiser Permanente, which is funded by the foundation. Henry really struggled to sort out his future and who he was going to be. Having tried, and reached age 75, he has reflected on growing up in the land of giants; he is still trying to find his place in the world and take agency for his life. 

So, what is the experience of these inheritors? How do they find their way?
It's an absolutely challenging thing to think about, At one point in our culture, there were clear rites of passage. Some of them were not so pleasant and could involve adult circumcision. I'm not sure anybody would vote for that at this point. Maybe you had to bring home the head of a lion, but you had to prove yourself in some tangible way. 

In our culture, I don't believe that getting married or going off to college are truly rites of passage. The quest is a very personal journey, and most of the people we interviewed talked about the loneliness they experience. And [they talked about] the idea that nobody quite gets what they're struggling with. 

I'm not sure that everybody understands. Although people think 'privileged' kids grow up with opportunity, have plans made for them, nobody truly understands what they face. 

From my own perspective, I was 30 years old when 2,000 people showed up for my father's funeral. I remember clearly wishing that he could see me there. Much later in life, my fortunes had risen and I had completed a quest which I hope would've made him proud of me, particularly with writing this book.

I think understanding loneliness would benefit family members. It would also help the people who advise familes. And, most of all, I think it would would make a huge difference to those who feel that they have a path to follow. And that's really the feedback that I'm getting from rising generation members who are aware of the work that I've done.

You use the term: a burst of legitimacy. What is a burst of legitimacy?  
It is when you recognize that despite what's happened to you, you are beginning to walk in the land of the giants.

I hope my life is a good example; I think I alternated between not feeling good enough and then feeling I could do something. I believe that the group that I created for Cook County Jail and having 30 groups in a very difficult situation was an accomplishment. 

I instinctively felt that I was doing something significant and legitimate. I made a videotape of one of the groups that was presented to the American Psychological Association. I realised that it was so easy to dip from feeling successful, to feeling as though I was struggling again. And the book is full of stories of people who have had similar kinds of experiences. 

How is what you're talking about different from what's called imposter syndrome? 
There's probably an overlap with imposter syndrome. When I first heard about it, it was usually connected to women (having to surmount the 'glass ceiling') more than men, although I don't think that it doesn't apply to men. I guess the overlay that I'm putting on [this topic] is the particular image of a giant who sits out there. That explains, in part, why people feel like an imposter.

What does it take to address these issues in a clinical setting?
I assume that this isn't something that can be solved in a month or with a pill. I would love to develop that pill – it would probably be very lucrative. 

So, I play with the notion of what the word "rising" means. We used to talk about those who grew up in prominent families as being the Next Gen, then we shifted the conversation to the idea of the "rising gen" to differentiate them from just somebody who's sitting there and waiting for rain to fall.

I really push the concept to the idea that life is either about rising, stagnating, or declining. The biggest challenge is to break the isolation. We are beginning to work on creating experiences for the rising generation that don't tie them to a particular age group to help them with their quest.  We aim to help then to be independent, take control over their lives, and fly independently.

And would that be the same approach that you would use with an individual client?
Absolutely. Individual work is wonderful work. The idea of spending a set amount of time with somebody in order to enter a different world from the rest of their daily lives provides amazing opportunities to dig deeply. 

However, by undertaking individual work they need to leave their comfort zone, fully understand who they are, what they do, and how they relate to others. 

And so how do they develop trust? You certainly must develop trust and communication inside the family to avoid conflict and help them individuate. But what about with the outside world? 
Gaining trust is difficult. And I suppose my experience with Cook County Jail made me doubt whether everybody is capable of trusting the outside world â€“ some people are just too damaged. I think it is important to be aware of this when you're working with people. 

I'm not saying that somebody can't do better with their lives based on their own self-interest, but trust involves being able to understand other people and having  empathy, which is something that's gained over time. It's also not the same thing as thinking 'I’m going to love everybody.' 

Clearly, some basic needs which Abraham Maslow talks about such as safety, must be in place. But embracing trust also opens the door to thinking of development as a lifelong challenge, which I'm glad about. As a 74-year-old, I am still developing, as we all can for sure, because the alternative doesn't sound very good.